Being a mother

Maya was born May 1, 2008. She had to have open heart surgery at 6 days old and was in the hospital for 5 weeks after her birth. She now is home. Her heart has recovered nicely, however, she is now on a feeding tube because she was on an IV for 3 weeks after her surgery. So she is now relearning how to swallow her food. She was having problems with the concept of swallowing and breathing at the same time, which was causing her to asperate (sp ?). Her doctor's did not want her heart working that hard for nourishment at this time. They want to make sure everything heals well. So she is now on a NG tube for food. She will probably be on it for at least the next couple of months. OT will be working with her to practice bottle feeding very small amounts of milk. In the mean time, I have been pumping so that she can still have breast milk, which seems to be doing working well for her weight gain.

Being a mother is like nothing I ever imagined. First of all, I feel like I got cheated out of the new mother feeling because most mother's have their baby and then the whole family drives home together 2 days later. The drive home from the hospital with just Jamaar and I was one of the most difficult days of my life. I cried the whole ride home. Just not having her in the car, in my belly...being apart from her was so difficult.

Then a couple of days later (around the time of her surgery) I started wishing she was back in my stomach. She was safe there and I knew she was safe there. I still miss being pregnant to this day. I miss the closeness I felt with my baby. I miss having her with me every single minute of the day. I had my 6 week OB/Gyn follow up appt. yesterday and I found myself looking at all of the pregnant women feeling so envious that they were pregnant and that they probably were going to give birth to a healthy baby.

Maya has made me a different person now. She comes first all of the time. I went 2 days without a shower when she first came home just because there didn't seem to be enough time in the day. When she was awake I wanted to be with her and when she was sleeping I wanted to watch her sleep. I then realized that to remain sane, I have to sleep when she sleeps. The feeding tube is making things a little tricky as far as us leaving the house and staying on her feeding schedule (she gets it every 3 hours for 30 min.). It's portable so we can take it everywhere we go. It's just a headache to deal with. With time, I'm sure it will seem easy to deal with.

This little girl has both Jamaar and I wrapped around her finger. She's just perfect. She smiles and laughs in her sleep, she has the best stretches I've ever seen on a child, she scares herself when she passes gas...she's just wonderful. The best feeling is when she wakes up and starts crying and when she sees my face she instantly stops crying. Just knowing that my presence can calm her down is so sweet.

She's doing great though...she's now 7 pds., 2 oz. She loves having belly time, hates getting a bath, hates her carseat, loves getting sung to, and likes it when you talk to her. So, she seems like a typical 6 week old infant.

Though we've all been through a lot, I feel like I've found my calling in life...I was meant to be a mother. I want more children, and eventually I want to find a way to be home with my children. Financially, we aren't able to to do that now, and I really have no right complaining, considering I get to take my child to work with me. But, I just feel like my life's focus has changed drastically. I want to focus all of my energy on Maya. I want to work with her on her development and just teach her to be a good person.

I'm starting to research opening my own childcare center at my house with just a few kids. Possibly hiring one other person and having 3-4 children enrolled. That way I'll be home with Maya, but still be working from home. The need for infant care in our area is huge!! At my job we currently have at least a year long waitlist! It's just an idea I'm tossing around and appearantly I have most of the credentials to do it, so it's something Jamaar and I are starting to talk about.